I went to get something out of the car this morning, had just got out of bed,and i realised as soon as i had shut the door that i had locked myself out, Ben's room is just bu the door, so after some shouting he came an let me in,at 9.30, he was dressed and did not want oto go back to bed! very strange, i am used to having the mornings to myself now! All the time i was locked out the stove top kettle was whistling! it did not increase the stress though . Praise the Lord!..
We did not go to the meeting in the country yesterday, it was not on but they are having a conference in a few weeks time so that will be interesting.I am not very keen on the' Toronto blessing', so i hope its not like that.The car is not working so well at the moment so Mike is going to have a look at it today,will need it as i am hoping to go to Newtown on Thursday.
Monday, 30 April 2012
Sunday, 29 April 2012
African blessings
Went to wonderful meeting yesterday,a caribean meeting at a brother and sisters house from cameroon, i am always so blessed by African believers.Praise God,I went to Pray with the lady from church, 'S' and when we prayed i really felt the Presence of God, also yesterday when we ere praying,have not felt that for a long time, so i know is showing me i am on the right track. We are going to a meeting out in the country tonight just to see what it is like, i am not sure whether Mike should come yet will ask 'S' what she thinks later.I feel content now about the decision i have made not to go to the Church where my Ex goes now, i know i had to be there last week, because God wanted me to connect to 'S', i am feeling that is what He wants for me, (not just my decision)!!!.
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Drought
We drove back through snow, heavy rain,and sleet, so it took half an hour longer than it should,i was determined to be very careful because there was water rippling like top of a pond on the road, and a few times water up to a foot in pools across the whole road.Very difficult, have never driven through such bad conditions before,even though i have been driving 25 years.!...
Lots of jokes being made in the Media about the drought, hose pipes ban are over most of the country!!!
I know there is a drought of the Word of God over this country! most of the country call themselves 'christian', although not born again of course...It does not stop from stopping believers displaying their Faith, yet promoting Religions from other countries over Christianity,the Prime Minister even said that it should not happen, but it still does! When the Constitution was written, in small town called Runnymede in the Middle ages it was based on the Ten Commandments, which has systematically been thrown out.God is not Mocked,He sees all, Praise Him.
Lots of jokes being made in the Media about the drought, hose pipes ban are over most of the country!!!
I know there is a drought of the Word of God over this country! most of the country call themselves 'christian', although not born again of course...It does not stop from stopping believers displaying their Faith, yet promoting Religions from other countries over Christianity,the Prime Minister even said that it should not happen, but it still does! When the Constitution was written, in small town called Runnymede in the Middle ages it was based on the Ten Commandments, which has systematically been thrown out.God is not Mocked,He sees all, Praise Him.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
gales, and feeling dizzy
I am in the caravan, it blowing a gale, and starting to rain!,the Ex was not baptised on Sunday, he was there though...had a lovey chat with on of the women from the prayer group, am going to visit her soon,(this was after i had left, when Mike went,felt uncomfortable, then decided that i was not going to be made uncomfortable and went back in,did feel dizzy at one point, and had diarrhoea next day but it was worth it!
Saturday, 21 April 2012
RAGE
Well have found out that the Ex, Howard is being Baptised tomorrow,interesting! i really hope he wants to go on with God,and not with Me! cos it is not happening... however much he hangs round, tells others he 'wants to be friends'....NO NO NO... I Have no ill will, just want to nothing to do with him.I have spoken to Elizabeth about this again,she feels he should not be baptised until he has been confronted about what he is doing to me now, i know God is leading me to another church, but i wont be telling anyone where!..
I have been thinking about that 10 days when ever i went to the other side of Town i would see him cycling by,or i was at my sons office decorating and my son looked out of the Window and saw him,why every time,/?.. was the Enemy trying to make me believe he was following me? Was he following me?..i live on a main road, its not hard to see if my car is parked near my house, as we have no private drives on,i have been tempted to park down side roads,it would not be hard to track my movements?...worrying now i think about it.
Talking to Elizabeth has also brought up another disturbing thought, last but one time i was in a meeting when he was there,i was praising the Lord, singing, raising hands,he was sitting almost opposite a row of chairs ahead, so although i was not watching him,i could not avoid seeing his body language, he was very angry,he sat with his head in his hands at one point, i know he was upset ,because he was not getting anywhere with me.and his following me has not worked. i am not affected by his actions.
Because the same thing happened years ago,we were just friends and he had offered to paint my house, to 'make up for some of the bad' he said, he was stripping back the paint in the front room and i was busy washing up, and took few phone calls from friends, had great fellowship on the phone,after several hours of this he got upset,and said' you have friends and people who care about you' i don't know why this would upset him, but he was in such a bad state that he sank down the wall to the stairs, in a heap, it scared me,because he had been so violent in the past, so i rang up a brother in the Lord who came and talked to him.(I was determined not to let him in again.and haven't)
So to me this is very telling,i have known him for 36yrs, and as all battered women i have had to be able to 'read him,'to know when to be quiet,and keep the kids quiet, to avoid violence.I was reading somewhere yesterday 'that if a person truly cares for you they want the best for you, and will not let their actions cause you any pain,AND will respect your boundaries'.He has not respected my boundaries, or my choices,to him i do not have the choice NOT to be around him.
Its hard for me to understand,the mindset, as a 'normal' person,!!. why would he not want me to prosper?, be jealous because i was giving Mike a lift?..,and then be nasty to Mike? a person who was ill and vulnerable at the time?
He really HATES me, rage is what i read in him.
He once he said when he was crying 'a bit of support would have been nice', even when he was beating me?... I SUPPORTED HIM, i encouraged him, i was a submissive wife,when he was encouraged by the church to take charge of the money, i supported him,when he failed he blamed me!. (he had no experience of a family budget,..and complained to one of the Pastors that i was not 'submitting to him',and that is why he hit me.!!...( Forgetting the fact he spent £150 in one month on C.D's,for himself,a lot of money in 1996!!benefit money, because he refused to work, we had eight kids between us,ages 6-18)
O.k so we all have our sides in an argument,i could have been wrong,but I KNOW his body language now is Dangerous. In an ideal world, he really is truly born- again,he is wanting to go on with God,i am a hindrance to him,just my presence affects him,and i cant rule out the thought that God has brought him there, for His reasons.God has told me that this trial will soon be over, and he will not bother me again.
God forgive me but i don't feel safe,i lock my door all the time,i never go out alone,i think he will kill me one day.I am very frightened.
I have been thinking about that 10 days when ever i went to the other side of Town i would see him cycling by,or i was at my sons office decorating and my son looked out of the Window and saw him,why every time,/?.. was the Enemy trying to make me believe he was following me? Was he following me?..i live on a main road, its not hard to see if my car is parked near my house, as we have no private drives on,i have been tempted to park down side roads,it would not be hard to track my movements?...worrying now i think about it.
Talking to Elizabeth has also brought up another disturbing thought, last but one time i was in a meeting when he was there,i was praising the Lord, singing, raising hands,he was sitting almost opposite a row of chairs ahead, so although i was not watching him,i could not avoid seeing his body language, he was very angry,he sat with his head in his hands at one point, i know he was upset ,because he was not getting anywhere with me.and his following me has not worked. i am not affected by his actions.
Because the same thing happened years ago,we were just friends and he had offered to paint my house, to 'make up for some of the bad' he said, he was stripping back the paint in the front room and i was busy washing up, and took few phone calls from friends, had great fellowship on the phone,after several hours of this he got upset,and said' you have friends and people who care about you' i don't know why this would upset him, but he was in such a bad state that he sank down the wall to the stairs, in a heap, it scared me,because he had been so violent in the past, so i rang up a brother in the Lord who came and talked to him.(I was determined not to let him in again.and haven't)
So to me this is very telling,i have known him for 36yrs, and as all battered women i have had to be able to 'read him,'to know when to be quiet,and keep the kids quiet, to avoid violence.I was reading somewhere yesterday 'that if a person truly cares for you they want the best for you, and will not let their actions cause you any pain,AND will respect your boundaries'.He has not respected my boundaries, or my choices,to him i do not have the choice NOT to be around him.
Its hard for me to understand,the mindset, as a 'normal' person,!!. why would he not want me to prosper?, be jealous because i was giving Mike a lift?..,and then be nasty to Mike? a person who was ill and vulnerable at the time?
He really HATES me, rage is what i read in him.
He once he said when he was crying 'a bit of support would have been nice', even when he was beating me?... I SUPPORTED HIM, i encouraged him, i was a submissive wife,when he was encouraged by the church to take charge of the money, i supported him,when he failed he blamed me!. (he had no experience of a family budget,..and complained to one of the Pastors that i was not 'submitting to him',and that is why he hit me.!!...( Forgetting the fact he spent £150 in one month on C.D's,for himself,a lot of money in 1996!!benefit money, because he refused to work, we had eight kids between us,ages 6-18)
O.k so we all have our sides in an argument,i could have been wrong,but I KNOW his body language now is Dangerous. In an ideal world, he really is truly born- again,he is wanting to go on with God,i am a hindrance to him,just my presence affects him,and i cant rule out the thought that God has brought him there, for His reasons.God has told me that this trial will soon be over, and he will not bother me again.
God forgive me but i don't feel safe,i lock my door all the time,i never go out alone,i think he will kill me one day.I am very frightened.
Friday, 20 April 2012
Strange days indeed
It was a strange day yesterday,Ben had said that he wanted to go to town,and got up at 9.30, really early for him!..we spent all day rushing around, to various family as well, came back at tea time then Mike came round, and Darren and we prayed for about hour and half, THEN, Elizabeth rang up, and was on the phone to her for 30mins,its strange when God does that,when some days i am so bored, and other days i cant catch up with Him!..I am still tired today,but WAS able to get through the whole Bible reading today!..Praise Him.
Wednesday, 18 April 2012
The Enemies Victory
Wonderful prayer meeting last night,was three hours in the end!,it is so wonderful to have fellowship with other women, it is Biblical, older women to disciple younger women, and older men to disciple young men,God knows what he is doing, He made us, and always know the best for us.I have had to repent of my unforgiving attitude to my next door neighbours,which was completely wrong,frighteningly so !!..the Devil really had the Victory there..!! ,..maybe the dream the Lord gave me about the kittens was about that? These neighbours were the ' no need to freak out ' ones who play rock music late into the night!..not pleasant or considerate to others, but whatever they did it does not excuse my anger towards them,( i know the Bible says to be 'Angry but not Sin',, but i did sin!). in that i judged them as bad people because they had annoyed me! OOPS, had to repent of that, also feel rather ashamed of the whole Ex situation,in what i wrote about it,seems un-christian and un-forgiving to me now,but i know that this is an on line Diary for me, and while i know its public, i can hopefully look back and learn from my past mistakes,i look back at my diary from 1969,when i was 11, and from later when i was 15,and find it fascinating,but have spent may years very embarrassed about the contents!...so maybe this will be the same.!!..it is interesting to see the Lords influence in my life, how He has led and changed me. Just like the Picture he gave me when i was first saved of an earthen ware pot, broken may many times glued back together, but changed into a new pot with NO old cracks in it! Praise Him!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)