testimony,part 2

I was an molested, abused,unwanted child, later i became a battered wife,was raped by my husbands best friend,my Son is now mentally disabled because he saw his father try to strangle me,( this is not some wacky theory of my own, a child Pyshcologist said this). I spent my life trying to get past these Acts someone else chose to do to me,i was in Unforgiveness which was eating away at me,to my mind "forgiveness meant letting them get away with it",but they did get away with it, and despite me doing my best to bring them to justice nothing came of it!...but the Anger was still there, i was depressed, bringing up five children on my own, following every wacky theory the World came up with on child rearing!!.. My life was spiralling downward,i was not promiscuos,but like a lot of people i thought if i just found the right Husband i would be happy,i found three husbands,(not at the same time,)but no Human being could answer the questions i had, like "is this all there is",i had resigned myself to never being happy and just did the best i could to bring up my children, alone... truly alone, no husband, and NO help from anyone else, my Mum and my two youngest Grandparents, bought clothes, but the day to day care,and problems were up to me to solve alone, it was hard, i wouldn't talk to another adult for weeks,but My sons and Daughters have really turned out to be decent human beings, and i am proud of all of them,but i cant claim any credit, this happened despite me! I know it was the Lord!Praise Him. sometimes because i had to live on benefits, we ,couldn't always pay the bills, i had to make sure there was enough food,so the bills came second.I know what its like to hide from creditors, not answer to door or dread answering the phone. One day i was walking up the local main street,and i heard someone preaching and playing guitars,i stopped to listen,i went to their church, and slowly things that were said, a line from a song, struck a chord with me, i could see these people were different, full of genuine love and care,I WANTED WHAT THEY HAD!! So, i prayed one day, "God if you are real,prove it",....nothing happened, no blinding light! nothing outward, or inward for a while!!but i felt hungry for His word,i felt the need to know more about Him,looking back i know that the change had started in me, firstly was PEACE,i had never felt before,i had felt anxious all my life, especially with the responsibility of doing the right thing by my children.It was gone!! I had an assurance that my life, and my children's lives were under control, Under GOD'S CONTROL, slowly i realised i would never be alone again,'Jesus says He will NEVER LEAVE US OR FORSAKE US' i had been forsaken all my life, by humans, NEVER BY GOD! part three coming soon...