Mum

Cant cry, when my brother died,Mum said it 'was to big to cry about',i never remember her crying about it.Or not in front of anyone else.That was my Mums personality all over, she was a private person.I feel so tired all the time though,like Nicky said there seems to be a stone in my stomach,its such an effort to walk all my limbs feel really heavy.
Mike was allowed out of hospital for a few hours yesterday,he rang and Prayed for me.
On Monday night when we came home for a break i was at the end of my ability to endure going there again,just could not face it.I think i would have fainted if i had tried.I think my sister was the same,and when they rang and said her breathing had changed again, i had lost the ability to make any decision to go again.So she died alone,peacefully and with dignity.Which knowing Mum was what she would have wanted,she would not have wanted us to see her die, and yet that is what we both wanted, or thought we did,probably because we thought it was the right thing to do.
Every time we were there she rallied,she was making an effort for us,Nicky told her several times it was o.k to go,she knew we could'nt endure anymore.Last thing i said to her was 'see you soon'I really hope she reached out to God as she died.
There were several things on her window sill,a picture of Mike,a picture of Mum aged about 15,a picture of all of us on the climbing frame.and a carving Mike had made at school.they were all knocked over except the picture of Mum.