mothers day

It's been a very difficult 10days,it's Mother's Day today here in England,and a few hours ago in Church I felt like the worst sort of Mother, for various reasons,one being that two of my children don't want me as their Mother,but the worst thing is that I have been facing the darkest days of my 36years of being a Mother and Father to my children, the terror that my son is going to kill himself.
I was dreading the preacher talking about how wonderful Mothers are,I thought if he says that, I will burst into tears, or have to run out....but he didn't,the sound system was broken, so no overhead projection, or singing or music,just the strict Anglican communion service. Which restricting and formulaic as it is was strangely comforting.

Tom Cruise,Hitchcock, and Weinstein

Men,all men who have directly or indirectly ruined lives,because they felt entitled to their own way, And some to women's bodies,and people in their way were just dispensable and would pay the price of 'disobedience'
I don't watch Tome Cruise movies, I am sure he is a nice guy,a good father, maybe a great actor,but I just can't bring myself to watch any of his movies,all I can see when I watch him are the faces of the poor women who were forced to have abortions, because the babies would have been inconvenient for their 'destinies' in Scientology, the woman who cried recalling having being forced to to abort the baby her and her husband really wanted, the guilt is palpable, even with her subsequent children, she is still brokenhearted.
I don't watch Hitchcock films either,because of the way he ruined a young actresses career because she wouldn't sleep with him,his wife apologised to her, she said, you could do something about this, in not those exact words, but I think a man like that would not have allowed his wife to dictate his action at all,it's strange, there is such a double standard,it's well known about Hitchcock not allowing the actress to make films with anyone else, and not making any with her,but no one boycotts his films!! where are the radical feminists when he is described as a 'genius'!
Johny Depp was accused of domestic violence, which I have researched as much as I can,it was never admitted, or proven,it may be that his wife agreed to keep it private in order to get a good divorce settlement. I don't know if it's true or not,but I won't ever watch another of his films, I BELIEVE women,of course women lie everyone lies sometimes,,a very few make false rape allegations,but I know a decent human being is not going to accuse another person of such an awful crime, and then endure the consequential troll aftermath, without good reason.
A beautiful and talented well known Chef, called Nigella Lawson was photographed with her husband squeezing her neck,in public,it became a scandal, and she moved out,its terrible what we as women put up with in private,when it is shown to others, it's like a wake up call.It must have been so humiliating for her private life to be exposed like that,but she is just as successful as she was before,and her Ex-abuser then made the divorce proceedings as nasty and vile as he could, making all sorts of ridiculous accusations,which only made it worse for him,so everyone else could see the man she had lived with,she on the other hand,kept her cool and her dignity, I admired her, and was proud to be a survivor like her.

If someone tries to destroy you, they HAVE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM, not you.

I am really trying not to keep dwelling on the cruelty of the past without talking about it in a positive way, and resolving it before the end of the post, or rather showing the positive change in me not taking those awful words to heart, on Facebook today someone shared a post which said, "if someone tries to destroy you, they have something wrong with them, NORMAL people don't try to utterly destroy others"
Which really sums up those of us who once loved an Abuser,a lot of women's sites call them narcissists, which is o.k too, but I don't think it is a good enough explanation, it sort of excuses them because they have a " mental condition",which mostly hasn't been diagnosed by a professional, and it doesn't say the most obvious thing which is that they are Violent

"you are so nice" he sneered.

I was in a shop, and said "thank you" to the assistant politely," you are so nice" Howard sneered at me, even me being polite was something to be despised..not the worst insult i have ever heard, of course but just so unnecessary, as are all the little jibes,little criticisms of my character,Why did this offend him,I didn't challenge his Narcissist"sense of self", or go against him in anyway,just a weakness he thought he saw in me, when being a good person, is seen as a weakness, as "soft" as marking ourselves vulnerable, open to being manipulated.
Why didn't i walk away then, he had shown his utter despising of me and my character,why didn't i remember when in a previous relationship with Jon that his opinion of me as such a terrible person, crazy,weak, despicable,woman meant he didn't love me,i am pretty innocent of how loving men treat the women they love, but i knew i loved my kids, i knew i could not say cruel words to them because i loved them and wanted the best for them in everything they did.If you love another person you are not cruel, so if you are cruel you DON'T love them.
Of course abusive violent narcissist's cant love,its impossible for them as is taking the blame for anything they do wrong!!

Anti biotics,coke and the salvation Army.

Well its been such a long time since i have posted on here, with anything more than a few lines that is!! and it may not yet be more than a few lines!! I have had a week nearly of a cold or it may have been flu which turned into a chest infection, to be honest i am still coughing up stuff..so i have felt a bit fed up,last night it was so cold when we went to take the dogs,i got back in the house and it was painful to breathe,i usually just have a 5 day course of anti-biotics, but i am on my second lot now.. I have been felling really fed up about Ben staying in bed all day, and just sit round really bored, but he got up on friday, and we went food shopping and got up today at 9.am, because i had told him I am going to Biker Church today in Warrington, and if he got up late i would be out and he wouldn't be able to get his coke...
I have been emailing my friend Chris recently for the last year, i wrote on Christmas eve, but haven't heard anything since then, so i hope she is o.k,i don't think i have done anything to offend her!!..
We have EIGHT new people join the local christian bikers association, six people are from a close by branch, which got very big, and two are from the salvation army, who feel called to Witness to bikers. Its exciting times, and of course Brian want to get back involved with everything again, after caring for Helen so well for so long.
There a few few family things going on at the moment i cant talk about yet, hopefully the whole situation will resolve itself,i was up early worrying about it this morning,and kept giving it to God, then carrying on worrying about it, therefore taking it back!!

Helen's gone home, to be with her Lord.

Helen died on Tuesday,Brian was with her,he rang me and said she just stopped breathing, the vile disease finally got to her lungs.I wasnt too upset apart from one cry after i had finished speaking to Brian, but the next day i felt quite tearful.

Alice

Tash has had the baby, born on the 5th, very fast too! Both are doing fine,and she will be going home today, it's a wonderful answer to prayer for our miracle baby.I was very anxious,but tried to give it to God,i was with her for few hours while Paul had to go home and do some stuff,i felt much better being there with her, we sat by the doors to the outside because it was so hot in there and had a lovely hot chocolate to drink,new parents were going past with their new babies, taking them home, and as she had been induced three times, she was getting to the point of saying, " that's never going to be me"