I am writing this on my new iPad pro which means I can only see the screen if I have a very small keyboard, I bought this for myself for my birthday...its a bit hard to get used to so I will have to ask Alec, he is so helpful with everything to do with computers, on my birthday I split some tea on my old laptop, which I got myself for my 50th birthday, it stopped working, and I haven't tried it since, so I am not sure whether it will work again at all,so it was really an impulse buy, but I am glad I did!
Helen lost her voice,because of her motor neuron disease,Brian said he was forgetting her voice,but had found an interview they both did on the Local Radio,about a Biker service they were doing at their home Church.I remember her voice,it was the softest most gentle loving voice anyone could ever hear, apart form the Lords...i hope i never forget..
Monday, 26 June 2017
Saturday, 17 June 2017
59 years old
Its my birthday on Monday...59 years old!! oh my goodness i remember when i thought 25 was old!! I have had a stressful day, and i have only been at home! I have been trying to get my landline provider to change my Number, but they wont...EVEN WHEN I OFFERED TO PAY!!
We did a biker breakfast event at a Pub bout 25 miles away, WE GAVE OUT QUITE A FEW BIBLES,Praise God!!..so i may have been over reacting, or hypersensitive about upsetting my friends,they are either super forgiving, or i blew it all out of proportion...so that was a few days of worrying for no reason, what a waste of time!
The Enemy has been trying to get to me, and sometimes he has suceeded! But not always we have another biker breakfast tomorrow,it is sad that BRIAN and Helen can't be there but I may not have to go alone because a lovely South African lady from church may go too, she is called Kaye, and is a wonderful evangelist, in fact everyone says she is the female version of BRIAN as an evangelist!i can't remember if I said before but a man from the Netherlands came to the Lord through a conversation he had with BRIAN at the biker church we had in the local biker church a year and a half ago.
We did a biker breakfast event at a Pub bout 25 miles away, WE GAVE OUT QUITE A FEW BIBLES,Praise God!!..so i may have been over reacting, or hypersensitive about upsetting my friends,they are either super forgiving, or i blew it all out of proportion...so that was a few days of worrying for no reason, what a waste of time!
The Enemy has been trying to get to me, and sometimes he has suceeded! But not always we have another biker breakfast tomorrow,it is sad that BRIAN and Helen can't be there but I may not have to go alone because a lovely South African lady from church may go too, she is called Kaye, and is a wonderful evangelist, in fact everyone says she is the female version of BRIAN as an evangelist!i can't remember if I said before but a man from the Netherlands came to the Lord through a conversation he had with BRIAN at the biker church we had in the local biker church a year and a half ago.
Friday, 2 June 2017
His bad choice, my wonderful choice!!
I have been going through an unsettling time in the last few weeks, some things, MORE things from the past have popped up, and i feel really un-moored because i may have unwittingly offended someone really important to me, even if I have not actually offended them, i may have said something which could be taken wrongly,and i assume all this because i didn't get a 'like' to a comment i made on Facebook...so i may not even be right about this...!! all very cryptic, i will explain if it is in fact true and i am not being super mega sensitive, which is really possible....but i somehow have this sinking feeling its not!
It takes me time to work out answers, i feel like a detective sometimes and just take small comments, and work them round from all angles,sometimes for days,i.e,I had Howard say to me once" I am not doing anything wrong, but if i was i would be too clever to let you know about it" (he went out saying he was meeting his friend Danny, and swore he was not meeting his ex-girlfriend,but when i rang Danny hours later, he said in passing, "i have been hanging round with an old friend today and a lovely lady, actually said "bit of stuff"!!,but he was at home then,(before mobiles), and Howard wasn't back,...at the time i didn't see the significance! I had been suspicious and had dragged the kids round every place i could think of he would be in town, to catch him out! but in vain!
I hate having a suspicious nature,I really really hate it,and it usually takes a while for me to get suspicious, but i'm like bloodhound when i get the spine crawling suspicion and wont let it go!! To be honest i think the Lord has given me a sixth sense about this,i am not clever, and I don't have Aspergers, BUT i can get very obsessed about being lied to, and i am ashamed to confess that i have gone through boyfriend and husbands pockets, and listened to phone conversations, (one pocket search showed up a til receipt,showing the date and time that Howard had been to a Town 20 miles away, in the few hours I was away at College, to buy the latest C.D from a famous group in the Nineties, Oasis,"Whats the story? Morning Glory" over the next few days i even said the name of the album, out loud a few times, in a whimsical way, just willing him to own up...he didn't of course!! the weird thing is the planning he had to do to go on the train, and rush back and pretend he had been there all day!!, never mind the money he spent was meant for food for the kids, and the fact he wouldn't get off his behind and go out and work!....and buy his own c.d's.
Some old memories have been brought up, and the horrifying realisation that all the things I have been through were because my husband Mark couldn't be faithful, i hate to blame him, but in Gods eyes its his responsibility. God holds men responsible for their wives well being,that was so upsetting,to accept that fact was really hard, i feel my mistakes,AND choosing to trust Howard and Jon was MY choice,but i have to accept Marks choice to have sex with someone else has led to some really really bad things happening to me...he has admitted,( not directly to me though) that it was him having sex with someone else,a man, that caused the marriage break up, which was good of him, but i have never let the natural course of his choices come to those conclusions before...
I don't have any bad feelings towards Mark, or unforgivness, or even anger, just sadness for a lost opportunity, a lost relationship, and my kids growing up without a normal family.I still cant bring myself to be angry with him.I do know though that he made those choices,and hated himself for it,Howard and Jon made their choices to beat, rape and emotionally and verbally abuse me, BUT they are not sorry,at all for hurting me, and continuing TO THIS DAY, if they could!
I made my choices! though i don't want to be a victim here,but i chose to not let it continue,(later than i should many times...),but i made every single one of them leave me and the kids after they betrayed me! and weirdly i am proud that i did it!! And most of all, and BEST OF ALL the greatest Love of my Life has healed me of any of the effects of these "choices" could have had on me, He has proved Psychiatrist's wrong who expect me to be a nervous wreck when i even tell them a small part of what Evil "choices" have been done to me!!
I am a miracle!, a walking talking Miracle!! but only because of the best "choice"I EVER MADE! You can make that choice too! turn to Him, its the best thing you will ever do! the best choice You will ever make, your life will never be the same again, you may not get the same miracles i have, but you will have your own Miracles,and best of all you will never walk another step alone, and will feel the most overwhelming, unconditional Love there is in the whole world, He is waiting for you to turn to Him, don't waste another second, no human, no mother or father, no child, will ever love you like He does! He knows you, He knows your thoughts, and loves you still, He knows every hateful thought you have ever had, every bad thing you have ever said or done, He KNOWS IT ALL,AND STILL LOVES YOU PASSIONATELY!
It takes me time to work out answers, i feel like a detective sometimes and just take small comments, and work them round from all angles,sometimes for days,i.e,I had Howard say to me once" I am not doing anything wrong, but if i was i would be too clever to let you know about it" (he went out saying he was meeting his friend Danny, and swore he was not meeting his ex-girlfriend,but when i rang Danny hours later, he said in passing, "i have been hanging round with an old friend today and a lovely lady, actually said "bit of stuff"!!,but he was at home then,(before mobiles), and Howard wasn't back,...at the time i didn't see the significance! I had been suspicious and had dragged the kids round every place i could think of he would be in town, to catch him out! but in vain!
I hate having a suspicious nature,I really really hate it,and it usually takes a while for me to get suspicious, but i'm like bloodhound when i get the spine crawling suspicion and wont let it go!! To be honest i think the Lord has given me a sixth sense about this,i am not clever, and I don't have Aspergers, BUT i can get very obsessed about being lied to, and i am ashamed to confess that i have gone through boyfriend and husbands pockets, and listened to phone conversations, (one pocket search showed up a til receipt,showing the date and time that Howard had been to a Town 20 miles away, in the few hours I was away at College, to buy the latest C.D from a famous group in the Nineties, Oasis,"Whats the story? Morning Glory" over the next few days i even said the name of the album, out loud a few times, in a whimsical way, just willing him to own up...he didn't of course!! the weird thing is the planning he had to do to go on the train, and rush back and pretend he had been there all day!!, never mind the money he spent was meant for food for the kids, and the fact he wouldn't get off his behind and go out and work!....and buy his own c.d's.
Some old memories have been brought up, and the horrifying realisation that all the things I have been through were because my husband Mark couldn't be faithful, i hate to blame him, but in Gods eyes its his responsibility. God holds men responsible for their wives well being,that was so upsetting,to accept that fact was really hard, i feel my mistakes,AND choosing to trust Howard and Jon was MY choice,but i have to accept Marks choice to have sex with someone else has led to some really really bad things happening to me...he has admitted,( not directly to me though) that it was him having sex with someone else,a man, that caused the marriage break up, which was good of him, but i have never let the natural course of his choices come to those conclusions before...
I don't have any bad feelings towards Mark, or unforgivness, or even anger, just sadness for a lost opportunity, a lost relationship, and my kids growing up without a normal family.I still cant bring myself to be angry with him.I do know though that he made those choices,and hated himself for it,Howard and Jon made their choices to beat, rape and emotionally and verbally abuse me, BUT they are not sorry,at all for hurting me, and continuing TO THIS DAY, if they could!
I made my choices! though i don't want to be a victim here,but i chose to not let it continue,(later than i should many times...),but i made every single one of them leave me and the kids after they betrayed me! and weirdly i am proud that i did it!! And most of all, and BEST OF ALL the greatest Love of my Life has healed me of any of the effects of these "choices" could have had on me, He has proved Psychiatrist's wrong who expect me to be a nervous wreck when i even tell them a small part of what Evil "choices" have been done to me!!
I am a miracle!, a walking talking Miracle!! but only because of the best "choice"I EVER MADE! You can make that choice too! turn to Him, its the best thing you will ever do! the best choice You will ever make, your life will never be the same again, you may not get the same miracles i have, but you will have your own Miracles,and best of all you will never walk another step alone, and will feel the most overwhelming, unconditional Love there is in the whole world, He is waiting for you to turn to Him, don't waste another second, no human, no mother or father, no child, will ever love you like He does! He knows you, He knows your thoughts, and loves you still, He knows every hateful thought you have ever had, every bad thing you have ever said or done, He KNOWS IT ALL,AND STILL LOVES YOU PASSIONATELY!
Tuesday, 30 May 2017
New Grandchild
Finally got here to the coast! i was going to go last Wednesday, but was up all night with my 'single struggles', then i was going to go on Sunday, but i saw the long line of cars on the road to the coast on the way back from Church and changed my mind again! The big news i have been dying to tell is that Tashy is pregnant!! due in December 3rd, and i just saw on facebook that Joanna, Brian and Helen's daughter is due in the 12th December!
It is such great news, Tash has been struggling with infertility for 18 months! and we had a bit of a scare when she had to go to hospital and go on a drip because of morning sickness, just a few hours, she was dehydrated.
When we were at the Stafford show she had a bit of a scare, and i asked Di and Alec to pray, and then the risk stopped thanks to God!
It is such great news, Tash has been struggling with infertility for 18 months! and we had a bit of a scare when she had to go to hospital and go on a drip because of morning sickness, just a few hours, she was dehydrated.
When we were at the Stafford show she had a bit of a scare, and i asked Di and Alec to pray, and then the risk stopped thanks to God!
Sunday, 28 May 2017
Single Struggles.
I have been really struggling for five days now, someone made a harmless remark, "will you look after my son when i am not around" shes an 85 year old,and while i hope it was not meant in any way badly,it led onto a bad dream and some thoughts which wouldn't go away!!I was shocked that she said it, and said "we will all look after him", meaning the Christian Bikers, and that evening i was so puzzled why she asked me, there are a lot closer people to him,i didn't think of him as a close friend,obviously as he is a married man!
I have asked some other people what she meant and no one knows, or wants to answer what they really think!So its stirred up some stuff! Mostly not connected but i have had some very unsettling dreams, NOT SEX DREAMS!! since then and feel very tearful, i do feel better today since i went to church.
Maybe I should have told him what she said! but then i feel ashamed what it all led into,...but then non of it was my fault anyway! I am really hoping that it wasn't meant badly,because i have seen her be a bit jealous and spiteful before with her family so i just don't know what to think!! very confusing!!
It has led into me feeling actually bad about being un-married, the first time ever!..i have never even thought about it,it was my life, and i was very happy with that! but i think also that i was putting a Barrier up to God,"I don't want it",I was deciding the path i was going to take, i was deciding for my life!!...my life is not mine but His, but of course i do know that the Bible says that its wrong to re-marry after divorce,if your Husband is still alive,i have TWO living ex-husbands!! so i don't think God is going to go against the Bible!!(or commit adultery which it says re-marriage is).
I have asked some other people what she meant and no one knows, or wants to answer what they really think!So its stirred up some stuff! Mostly not connected but i have had some very unsettling dreams, NOT SEX DREAMS!! since then and feel very tearful, i do feel better today since i went to church.
Maybe I should have told him what she said! but then i feel ashamed what it all led into,...but then non of it was my fault anyway! I am really hoping that it wasn't meant badly,because i have seen her be a bit jealous and spiteful before with her family so i just don't know what to think!! very confusing!!
It has led into me feeling actually bad about being un-married, the first time ever!..i have never even thought about it,it was my life, and i was very happy with that! but i think also that i was putting a Barrier up to God,"I don't want it",I was deciding the path i was going to take, i was deciding for my life!!...my life is not mine but His, but of course i do know that the Bible says that its wrong to re-marry after divorce,if your Husband is still alive,i have TWO living ex-husbands!! so i don't think God is going to go against the Bible!!(or commit adultery which it says re-marriage is).
Tuesday, 23 May 2017
Adrian's memorial
I have had a really busy week,Joe helped me take some stuff to the tip,Tash had to go to hospital on a drip because of Morning sickness,and Daisy spent most of Monday in hospital with bad stomach pains.There has been another terrorist attack in u.k yesterday, but i am too upset to talk about it, because mothers and fathers are still searching for their children, a young couple Chloe and Liam are still missing, Liam's Dad died a few months ago...
I went to my friend Ruth's brother Adrian's funeral today,i was upset because Ruth was in tears... and like Forest Gump thats all i want to say about that....
I went to my friend Ruth's brother Adrian's funeral today,i was upset because Ruth was in tears... and like Forest Gump thats all i want to say about that....
Saturday, 6 May 2017
Ride 4 Life
we had a great day yesterday, we did the ride for life, at a Airbase about 2o miles away, we ran the helmet park,which was free, voluntary contribution to the local air ambulance, but best of all we gave out a lot of biker bibles, the wind was very strong, and i was really cold, so i had to buy a thick jumper!!we looked after almost 200 helmets and jackets.My legs are really aching today!, and i hadn't had much sleep the nigh before and at one point wasn't going to go either!
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