Snapshots of ages 15.and 30

3.15p.m saturday 18th
Just been reading part of my diary from when i was 15, i had read the diary of Anne Frank,it had really affected me,i wrote'i somehow thought someone from another time would have been different to me', she had the same thoughts about boys, (she was the same age), the same feelings as me, it was just a brief time, like a snapshot of her life,most affected obviously by the date of her birthday, 12th June like me, i think she was more mature than me though.How would i have faced the challenge she did in the death camps? Most of the rest of my diary is pretty sickening though, highly embarrasing!!..Dave the teacher at my creative writing said, 'what a great resource' so i am putting it all into my laptop, with the vague idea of writing a book...he said that i wrote interesting stories,i dont know if i can bear it to be thrown away when i die, its in an old desk diary my dad was throwing away, from 1970, and the first part in an old exercise book from Ireland when i was seven, so 45 years!..it talks about my baby sister,annoying then as now, with threats to 'bash Mike' if he keeps writing in it, and a rather strange rant against men, in the newer version!'
                Men                                                                                         16.8.88
What strange animals they are, they meet a woman  they are attracted too , tell her how wonderful she is, until they are sure of her love, then the 'picking' begins..'your bust is'nt as big as..........', your bottom sags'..her hair is nicer than yours'...how do we fight back,/ the nature of the female is to be faithful,if they love a man they don't find anyone physically attractive but them.This undercurrent of criticism eventually chips away at self-confidence,(maybe this is a device of man to keep women down, and un-attractive to other men). Until thr day that they look at the woman and says ' i can do better than her, and does...He has suceeeded too well...
I am sorry to say that i was living through a violent relationship at the time.I like men now! make great friends,but after two relationships like this,i am happy alone!!!....

Bullies always win

We missed Ben's youth club yesterday, i had a dose of the runs, and was not sure it was on,as it was half-term week,the police woman rang and said they had spoken to the boys who attacked Ben at youth club, as usual Bullies get away with it, with no repercussions. So much for justice.
Pastor David Wilkerson's daily blog today was titled 'dirty feet', in essence he was talking about that part in Gods word where Jesus tells the disciples to wash each other feet, the implication being that their hands and hearts were clean,walking with Jesus every day, but their feet were not,so we should treat others sin with kindness,and we help them wash themselves,so of course this means that we have to forgive others if they sin against us, and help to encourage those who have sinned, my mind went of course to the whole thing with Andre,i know he has forgiven me completely,but maybe hard for him to trust me as a friend for a while.
Of course, when i think of forgiveness i am challenged with my attitude to the Ex, Howard,and have to examine my heart again for any unforgiveness which may have cropped up, its every day at the moment! having to repent of bad thoughts! towards him
No sign as yet of any change in him going to the church, as of course when i appealed to the throne room the Lord found in my favour, i really expected him to never return to the church, and stop visiting Mike, no such thing has happened,in fact he is now decorating the church!.. as usual i was expecting God to do what i wanted in my way, i don't know what to infer that God is doing now,
1, is it Gods will that he is around?
2, did i leave it too late to appeal, and it now has to run its course?
3, is this all a lesson for me to examine my unforgivesness daily?
4. do i have unforgiveness to others that is holding up God working in this?  (answers on a postcard please!).any comments would be very much appreciated....

friends, and enemies

So great to see Andre again,such a lovely christian, i was going through a bad period in my life where i did not want to have any one in my life, finding it hard to cope, i guess i was depressed, and i had a older female friend in my life, who used to criticize all my other friends, so i woke up one day and thought, maybe she is the one i need to be free of!!!... and the Lord has been slowly been bringing people back into my life!!.
God is so good,He knows the best for us,even when we don't ourselves....

Old friends and upsets

i have not been able to share what has been happening over the last few days,but here is a brief summary...Ben was attacked at youth club on friday,i ran out of His epilepsy meds on sunday, and was doing prayer counselling yesterday for an older christian lady, i was out until 4.30pm from 10.am,got back and had the 'runs' really badly!!!Bens o.k just a few bruises on his head,and crotch...we have all been really upset,Joe mostly, blames himself, which is of course not true!....
My blind friend Andre is visiting,i cut him out of my life 3 years ago,but have apologised,and hopefuly its o.k now.going to see him later, just spoken to him so far on the phone!..
so wonderful to see him again! did'nt even realise i had missed him.Never meant to hurt him at all, i was just going through a bad phase in my life, and did not want any friends or to have anyone around, but i have said sorry, so its all in the past now! Praise God!...

Father of Lies

...my laptop is not working very well, so i have lost the whole post, will try again! I was speaking to Elizabeth on wednesday after the wonderful meeting we went to,and told her about all the trouble i have been having with hOWARD, MY STALKING VIOLENT eX, and she says it 'sounds satanic', it was such a relief to me to be able to tell some one, escpecialy an older lady about everything that has been happening,it then prompted me to go into the throne room and appeal to God for justice in this situation,He found in my favour! I was not sure if i was doing the right thing,and some people had SAID i was not forgiving, i have forgiven the past, but i dont want to be around him,the whole thing of me fainting when he is at church, i should not be in fear, its not trusting God with everything, and it really struck me the fear i was feeling as i went to church for lunch later on wednesday, it was like a lump in my stomach, and i was not even, expecting him to be there!... so praise God, i am excited to see how God will work in this situation!!...

Babies and bullies

Never know what i am supposed to write, usually no plan when i start to write, which of course is not the right way to do things at all! it should be planned out!! My Ex Howard, was having lunch at Mikes and got into an argument with Angelo, mikes house mate,Howard was nasty when Angelo said he would like to have some more kids, he has 6 already! The Ex told him he was too old and could not look after them properly!( this from a man who has NEVER brought up any of his own kids, and was violent to mine!) speaking to a man who works hard every hour he can to provide for his children....HYPOCRITE  .. HYPOCRITE.!
The sad thing of course is that Nicky Mikes friend, does not want to go round there again because she has bad nerves and 'can't take the aggravation'. And its not a good witness to her of what Christians should be....but i am not allowed to interfere by the Lord, but it does really show me this man has not changed since he "got born again", in fact i think he is worse...i have known him for 33yrs!!...(I am really trying not to get any satisfaction out of this, but it hard, but when Nicky said what happened i didn't say what he had done to me,which i was quite proud of, except of course, it was not me at all so Glory to God!!!)

Snow and church

Great meeting last night, and Friday!! Praise the Lord!! didn't make it to the Gym,we were late, but me and Mike and Luke had a few prayers, Luke had been knocked off his bike, when a woman ran into him at a roundabout, he was really protected by the Lord,as he was thrown backwards, and could have died, thank you Lord!. Luke was just baptised 6 weeks ago! He  was feeling fed up with church, and had not been going,but he went to the Thursday meeting!..
There was snow here yesterday, i am afraid we here in the u.k tend to over-react when we have cold weather!!! warnings on t.v,we had just a light coating, hardly anything in the end!!!..