A "half life!"

I am living a half life at the moment! Asleep most of the day and awake at night, both Ben and I go through these phases every couple of months or so, now they are happening at the same time! I can remember years ago when he started being sleepless sometimes, I dragged him to doctors demanding a solution,no help whatsoever! He even went on to a mild melatonin medicine which was supposed to get him off to a gentle sleep...didn't work of course!...so yet again it's 3.30 am and I am awake! It really does not bother me anymore, because the Lord very graciously allows me to continue His work, and always gives me enough sleep just before!....
The good thing of course is that I am doing a lot of writing, and sending it to some Christian women's websites that deal with abuse survivors like me...sometimes it gets hard dealing with the past sin of others,but God does not allow it to bring me down, and I hope it is a help to others!...
I can't remember if I mentioned when the ten people were saved during the church service at a tiny village church near here, that the Pastors wife made her first commitment to the Lord? God is so amazing! I am so humbled that He loves me, being the filthy rotten sinner I am....but that's Grace,undeserved favour, we all deserve death but He has paid the price! praise Him!!!
To change the subject completely, I was reading about a man who bombarded a work mate of his wife with sexual and threatening texts,(because he believed she was not pulling her weight at work),what stood out to me was that he had said how frustrating it was because she did not react to any of the texts directly,that is an interesting insight into the Abusers mind! Not sure exactly how yet though....

A "church" that shuns the poor and needy.....

Here is letter i should have written years ago,i was going to send but had written it in the middle of a long sleepless night.... i SHOULD have sent it years ago,when i first left the church, I was NOT DRIVEN OUT,but close to it!!...
My Solicitor and the female police officer i spoke to both said i should not allow myself to be driven out,but the vomiting and Fainting were just sooo embarrasing!!....
Hi Sue,
(the Pastors Wife) Its Elisa!! Long time no see! do you remember me? I went to the church your husband Pastors for 15 years and before you came there, although you never asked i am doing well,and so is Ben my Autistic Son who as you know i am the sole carer for. I guess this might be seen as a sarcastic letter,because you have not contacted me since i was forced to leave,to see if i am o.k or need anything in fact you have never spoken TO ME SINCE THE DAY YOU ASKED MY VIOLENT EX-HUSBANDS NAME,after i had fainted at church when he came in!!.You had said i should come on a Sunday morning because you said they never come then, so i came to the church determined not to be driven out of another church by his stalking and sat at a table in the cafe in church with my friend Mike and my son Ben, AND my oldest son Nathan,
(Of course he came some-one had told him i went on a Sunday morning so he turned up, Surprise surprise) !Howard the Abusive Ex made a point of sitting at the very NEXT table,!! and said " are you ignoring me Mike".. I remember SO well you sitting at the table where he had been alone,and later Nathan told me he had overheard you saying to them," the grandson you had with her", gesturing to me...
The only trouble Sue , Max is NOT HIS grandson!!! (which he has been told many times over the years,) as Rosanna is not his daughter, (.this is just one of his many tactics to drive a wedge between me and my children.)He has been repeatedly told she is not his daughter, and although he did Rape me 31 years ago,I WAS ALREADY PREGNANT.
I Wish i reported the Rape all those years ago,31 years has made me wiser!!.. Do you know the rift these lies have caused in my family? do you even care? Rosanna got depression for a year because if his lies,. Has he told you about the stalking for 19 years? Has he told you about the last church his stalking drove me out of? Has he told you about the many solicitors letters?(since 2010,)where he is warned under threat of prosecution to stay away from me?
Has he told you about the medical records my Doctor has detailing all the bruises?..and depression i suffered from as a result of the abuse? No I expect he hasn't, yet you let him be around vulnerable women and children?.. Sigh... no i expect his is very quiet about it all,but i am sending copies of the solicitors letters detailing his violence,just in case something happens and my conscience is clear!
Sue i know you have a daughter the same age as mine, can you imagine her going through the same Pain and depression Can you imagine the Pain of her real Father Mark when he was told about the Lies? I expect none of this will change your mind about Howard,He is too useful to the"church" with all his unpaid work and decorating,..did you ever wonder why a profession Painter and Decorator would do so much unpaid work for the church,did you ever question his motives?.. could you have for even one small moment have thought he was there to stalk and intimidate me? its not like you didn't know he was violent I TOLD YOU...
I am trying to forgive your obvious attitude that i as a disabled woman is of less value than him..because with your attitude that is EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE DOING.. The Sad fact is Sue, you wont take any notice of this warning...i suppose i shouldn't blame you, i was taken in by his charm and good looks for years too!!...
Sue, i have known him for 35 years and talked to his ex's who he treated the same way, i can give you their contact details, they are willing to talk to you...in case you don't believe me..sigh..well i suppose i don't SEEM very forgiving to you... Yes i am bitter against you, bitter because although you call yourselves Christian there is none of Christs love in you or your church,(unless i was a well dressed business man,who you give positions of power straight away,) but the elderly man who has been going there for 25 years is never asked to read a bible verse,because he has been mentally ill,and doesn't always wear the cleanest clothes.
I am sorry that your church hardly has anyone going anymore,and that you cant afford to heat the building. I am sorry that you cant be Christ to the Large poor housing development next to the church, where there are neglected children and a massive drug problem.
I am sorry when your Husband preaches against gossip in the church, and yet you are the worst gossip there!!, (every person is whispered about and every aspect of their character mercilessly dissected),i am sorry that the Disabled, mentally handicapped woman Paulette, who is sold for Sex by her drug dealer Boyfriend is made faces about behind her back when she comes faithfully to church,and when a kind old lady takes her to be washed,YOU quote health and safety to her,and she is not allowed to help again,
I am sorry but not surprised....So Sue, i have let it all out all the anger,all the shame,and i have forgiven you, and although you didn't ask, I have a great life now, and i watch with concern as so many people pass through your church, stay for a while and then leave...You have missed the chance to be Christ to them, i hope and pray each of them finds what they need elsewhere.

An Unlikely Evangelist, who puts us all to shame...

I am sitting here waiting for Darren, his carers are short handed this weekend and have asked me to check he takes his medicine,he is late and has probably gone to town because he got his money yeaterday!!, Darren has Aspergers, and red hair and is obese, probably 25-30 stone,he call's me his only friend but he has a lot of people in his life! He is looked down on by some Christians,because he is not always very clean, and he smokes, with a hacking cough!!, But i doubt whether the christians who look down on him tell as many people about Christ as Darren does! From his Carers to the Muslims in the local chip shop!! He finds out exactly what everyone he comes into contact with believes and always tells them about Jesus! Praise God for Him, and the burden he has for the un-saved!

Awake at night but not alone!

Its 3.45am and I am wide awake! So what else is new!i am in bed but not alone!scandal I hear you say!i have the Baby,I wasn't sleeping anyway so heard her crying and Daisy sounding upset so I asked them if there was anything I could do to help!shes fast asleep now! Of course,they always behave better for other people and not their parents!...don't I remember that! I can't really remember a lot about having small children mainly just how hard it was,I was mostly on my own doing it, and I could say no-one else seemed to care,I certainly had no help at all,but I was never really alone because the Lord was always there even if I didnt know it at the time!

Ichabod

I have sent some emails to'a cry for justice', and 'spiritual side of domestic violence',the excellent Terry from 'the spiritual side of domestic violence' has responded and commented on my email, which really was just a condemnation of how i was treated in my last church, and how they have let the Holy Spirit leave their church, by gossip,and un-Christlike behaviour...I really is a shame because there is a large housing development next to the 'Church' with so many problems, and they cant be Christ to them...so sad...The Lord asked me to make a commitment to that church years ago and Praise Him i was able to do for many years,and The Holy Spirit did turn some times i went there,(i am not being big-headed,He DOES TURN up sometimes when i go places) i have done prayer walks around those streets,but as always Terry made such an Insightful comment that" a demon has entered into Howard and that is what is driving him" very insightful as always, she is such a woman of God!I wish i could work out how to send the letter to this blog....maybe one day!

10 more souls in the kingdom!

I Have had a really blessed weekend,we had a service at one of the guys churches who are in our local Christian Motorcyclists Association,it was a typical church of England type service, very formal,with the people taking it wearing robes and a set service with the people responding in an old type of service plan,we had the branch meeting the next night,and it was great to hear that 10 people made a commitment to the Lord, including the Pastors wife,who he mentioned he had not been able to sit next to in church for five years, because he takes so many church service as he has three churches he Pastors in the county,as none of them now have a permanent minister, it was a t one of his churches that the Local Christian Motorcyclist Association was first "launched" two years ago so it is great the the Lord was able to bless him.The enemy has not been happy with this and other success we have been privileged to have through the Lord, so we have had somewhat of a backlash, someone even literally tried to run us off the road on the way back on Sunday, but we know he is a defeated foe, and our lives are in His hands,Praise Him

nipper, gnasher,and gnawing

Here i am, 4.30 a.m awake and downstairs!!,i have given up trying to sleep,and enjoying a very nice cup of tea! I am British a cup of tea is essential to our everyday existence!!!, (and endless meaningless small talk about the weather!! !!!)i am hearing no more noises from the Mice (downstairs anyway) they have literally "taken the bait"( poison) i put down last week!!...I was hearing some gnawing sounds in my room though earlier, so that battle is not over quite yet...
Some one who is suffering from battle scars of Life is Nipper, my ten year old Yorshire terrier,i was told when i bought him that he was a pedigree,and "Papers were to follow", still waiting for those!! i have found in my 20 years of keeping Yorkie's that the pedigree ones only tend to last 10-13 years,the ones who lived longest, Biggles 16 and half years, and Star 17 and a half years were only half Pedigree, from Toto their Dad, he died at 13 quite old for a yorkie, but not as old as his pups Star and Biggles!
So Nipper is not doing well, he had a dose of the runs, (cant spell the proper name,and my spell check does not work) and vomiting,the vet has given him some anti-inflamatory tablets for his bow legs,which i suspected made him ill,, i really thought he was going to die on saturday he was so ill he could hardly walk, and i know if i had taken him to the vet they would have put him down,he is still very wobbly on his legs and tends to go sideways like a crab sometimes!!, i know that some people would call me cruel for letting him carry on in this state, but i just think that my dogs have been so loyal to me why should i abandon them when all they need is a bit of nursing,? i have had to shower him because he was getting pooh caught round his bottom, but today he has managed to do it outside cleanly with none hanging on!I have to carry him up and down stairs,because his legs could go and he would fall down them all, when Star was near her end i slept downstairs for two months because she couldn't manage the stairs,i was worried that her chest cancer was back,because she would not let me see her chest, and felt guilty because i hadn't taken her to the vet, because i knew they would insist on putting her down, but when she died,i saw that she was not covered in cancer on her nipples, a big relief!! she had just died from old age,17 and a half, having had a pup,Gizmo, breast cancer, a Mammary strip,with only two nipples left,(she managed to feed Gizmo too,) and was Neutered at age 10, after she presented us with surprise Pups!(Joe came into my room screaming "there's a rat in my Bed", after i calmed i him down, it was 4.am, i went into his room to investigate,and a very sheepish Star looked at me with a Pup!!! My only regrets with my Dogs is that i didn't walk them enough i am trying to do better now though as Husky's need to have exercise,so do all dogs though,we take them up to Tashies( we used to call Gnasher,like the cat in the Bash street kids comic) where there is a huge field for them to run in, the Grass is quite long now though, and its funny to see the smaller yorkies bouncy like lambs to see where they are going!! What lesson is the Holy Spirit teaching me through all this? is it that Human beings should be as loyal as Dogs?!! or that we should live up to our responsibilities...not sure..

Wonderful God.

It's all been really stressful today, this morning I spent four hours on a speed awareness course because I had gone over the speed limit by just a few miles,it made me feel really guilty and I was scared to get back in the car afterwards!!..Joe and Daisy have been really tired with looking after the baby and have been arguing...but everything has settled down now etc they have gone shopping with his Dad who feels its o.k just to walk into my house...NOT ACCEPTABLE at all, it was o.k once every year or so but it's become a regular thing now,not happening!!.We had a great meeting last night at Helen and Brian's and I guess the enemy is having his revenge... I don't know how he has the nerve but as usual he has not had his way for long, there is peace in my house now!Praise God!!

offensive or defensive?

I have just been listening to the wonderful Dr George Simon on you tube, talking about manipulative people and how they were always thought of as scared human beings, unconsciously trying to control others through fear, being defensive, when in fact he shows very clearly that the are being OFFENSIVE, and instinctively we know we are being attacked but un-consciously we react as being attacked but OUTWARDLY don't know it, so that is how they win, we put reason over instinct which would warn us!...It is also the shock that someone would behave that way so I always thought I must have mis-read them, which of course the abusive manipulative person rushes to endorse! It fits in perfectly with their plan after all.The manipulator is on a mission to control us to fight the war with us to be in control, ! Only we don't take part in the battle til too late...oops they have won, us innocents didn't even know we were in a fight, I can't remember his reasoning why we are taken in,probably should read it again!

The mundane, and the Glorius

A Productive day,but only in mundane things like housework,probably which should have been done before!...we are finally settling into a new pattern after all the upheaval of having a new baby in the house.The Scam artist and her husband have finally paid Mike back the loan he got out for them,TWO years ago which puts a nice line under that unpleasant episode...hopefully they are both out of his life, I know they are Christians, or profess to be but showed nothing but bad fruit in all their dealings with Mike and he was badly hurt, and paid a heavy price, but it's over, and I am sorry to say and I know it's not very Christian, but good riddance!!..Sandra said Mikes old flame of sorts was asking a lot of questions about who he was associating with and that he has been riding past hers on the trike!!!so mundane, but nice and comfortable in a reassuring kind of way! so what has God been teaching me over the last week or so...that even if I don't pray in a difficult situation at the time He is still there and honours the prayer we have made before the dramatic desperate times,I suppose I mean when we were in the delivery room and she had been pushing for almost two hours, which should have taken an hour,I didn't pray in that situation,at the time, but God still intervened, and I had asked trusted friends to pray....So He never lets us down He never leaves us or forsakes us!Praise Him! I can't remember if I have mentioned this but we had a great service at a local tiny village church last Sunday taken by the C.M.A, over a dozen people put their hands up to be saved,including a Man who has known Brian and Helen for years and Mike,so Praise God!

2.am and wide awake

Well here I am as usual!2.20am, wide awake and so is Ben...we are both downstairs and he is lying down not doing anything!...he is just staring into thin air, he had a bit of a meltdown yesterday just cos I asked him to feed the fish!..but then he told me later that he was upset because we saw his friend Shaun in town and he has had to leave youth club because he is too old and Ben will be too old on his next birthday, they let Shaun stay until Easter so I hope they will do that for Ben...he said he wasn't able to sleep in bed so wrote it all down on his mobile and the deleted it...A bit like me writing a letter to Jon his dad and then ripping it up!its very catharatic I am writing this on my new iPad and can type faster than on my laptop..it's definitely easier than my other tablet!

Our Miracle Baby

Ellie-May is here and though she is such a small scrap of a Human being, she is making her presence felt!!, poor Mum and Dad looking shatterd yesterday,as with all Babies! Daisy was telling me that she was taking the Pill when she got pregnant...and with the Peadiatritian waiting to resucitate her with oxygen, they were expecting the worst, (to whisk her way to the special care Baby unit)..BUT GOD HAD OTHER PLANS!,She was delivered onto her mummys chest coughed a few times and cleared her own mucus from her throat! NO OXYGEN NEEDED,NO RESUCITATION NEEDED! Praise God from who all Blessing flow! Pastor Emmanuel has given me some Bible verses to read over Her, Luke 1 verse v 80, and Luke 2 verse 40, which both say " And the child grew and waxed strong in Spirit, and was in the Desert till the day of his showing unto Isreal" (the desert means Gods preparing of the child to do his work)) Luke 2 verse 40 is " And the child grew and waxed Strong, filled with wisdom, and the favour of God was upon him"!!We alredy know she is strong! and We know God NEVER lies so we know she will have wisdom,AND THAT THE FAVOUR OF GOD IS UPON HER!!Hallelujah